I don’t know what my deal is lately. Well, ‘lately’ is a rather vague term. I don’t know what my deal has been in the last month. In regards to writing articles. To explain, I have to back up a little bit.
As our loyal readers know, I rejected a job offer with Boeing in April to pursue entrepreneurship and consulting. Sounds cool, right? It probably would have been cooler had I not been waving goodbye to some pretty cool airplanes and such awesome people. But that’s beside the point.
Since I arrived in San Diego–my chosen location for previously stated pursuit–I’ve been dealing with some insecurity. More specifically, I’ve been feeling insecure in my consulting efforts, as I work with clients who often have kids older than me.
My ability is questioned. And it isn’t being questioned due to a lack of performance. It’s being questioned simply because I’m 23 years old, and they’re paying my business partner, Gavin, and me a lot of money to be right.
So, in the past month, I’ve done my best to write helpful articles for you all, our readers, but, in some sense, I’ve struggled to be totally raw and transparent in the process. That’s where my deal comes in.
Where did this insecurity come from?
For as long as my recent memory allows, I’ve never struggled with confidence. Whether that meant introducing myself to strangers at a networking event, speaking to my former high school, or presenting out at an internship to the executives, my confidence never wavered.
And it is because of this non-wavering confidence that I’ve struggled to accept that I’m actually feeling this insecurity. It’s really thrown a wrench into my typically solid mindsets.
I found myself continually asking, “When am I going to get discovered?” as if I have something to hide… as though the service I’m providing isn’t as valuable as we say it is. I was worried that for some reason, all of the sudden, my current accomplishments would be taken from me, that I would be deemed unworthy of what I had “earned”.
Seriously. These were real thoughts. WTF.
But regardless of these creeping thoughts and perilous self-doubt, I pushed through. I continued to perform, working harder in an effort to hide what I felt was an imminent discovery. And guess what…
I wasn’t “found out.”
I wasn’t sent to be judged by a jury of my peers.
Life simply continued as usual.
Before my journey started, I remember hearing the phrase, “Fake it ’til you make it.” But recently, I heard a phrase that puts it to shame.
“Fake it ’til you become it.”
And so I am. I’m faking it ’til I become it. I’m going to imagine the most successful ERP Implementation Consultant there ever was, and I’m going to act and work like he or she would do. And some day, hopefully soon, though I have my doubts of just how soon, I’ll be that consultant.
I’ll have become the person I was so scared I wasn’t.
And it is then I’ll know that I’ve beaten my insecurities. It is then that I’ll know I’ve accomplished what I set out to.
But until then? I’m faking it. I’m faking the shit out of it.
And I tell you what…
It’s never felt so good being a fraud.
Happy 4th of July 🙂